I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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