So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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