can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
