Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
