I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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