You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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