toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize