Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
