the condom got lost in my hair
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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