Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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