1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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