we're chasing vodka with high fives
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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