I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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