Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
