Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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