I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
