I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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