A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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