i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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