Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
