I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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