we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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