Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
