Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
a search helicopter?!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
