Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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