My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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