nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
