he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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