I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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