Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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