Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
