the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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