someone get that fucking seahorse.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
