I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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