if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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