I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
