My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
