You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize