yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
