Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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