Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
