Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so let's talk penis.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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