the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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