i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
