I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
