Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
