why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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