apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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