I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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