i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
