I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
