I met the friendliest cop last night
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
