Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
