Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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