You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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