im about as happy as oj after his trial
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
